if i can run in heels then i can drive
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
