My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
