you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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