every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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