OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
