I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
