As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
