theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
