Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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