you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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