My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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