I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
