What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Me too!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
