I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
