we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's shark week go big or go home
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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