Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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