i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
