Pants 0. Shit 1.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
