Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
