1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
