they need to just BURY HIM!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
