Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
