I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
