god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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