You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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