The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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