me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
