Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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