Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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