i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
