Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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