I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
