if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize