The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
