Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
