remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
