Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I need a burrito and a hug.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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