Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
