I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Im part way to drunk.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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