I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
