you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
