Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
