just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
