you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
