She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
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I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
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So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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