God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
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onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
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I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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