I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
