He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
