Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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