You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
