The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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