How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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