God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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