One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
