No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
