That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
