This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
