I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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