When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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