so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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