A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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