never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
