Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
