you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
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sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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