Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
