Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
