My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
